The teenage years are meant to serve as a bridge to becoming one’s own person. With their own ideas, thoughts, values and will. Parents may notice that their child becomes more ‘mouthy’ as they start to walk across this bridge. The journey to emerging adulthood can feel very messy for parents. As they come to know their own mind, teenagers will exercise their voice and opinions on matters, and won’t always do so in a graceful way. For the most part, parents should rest assured that a teenager who is experimenting with self-expression through mouthiness, is doing so because they feel safe enough to expel their frustrations in the presence of their parent.
But mouthiness is also stems from the instinct to resist. Resistance (formally called counterwill) is an instinct that usually becomes heightened in adolescence and is meant to move the ‘will’ of others out of the way to make room for the child to find their own. Though frustrating for parents, counterwill resistance is a positive developmental process that should result in increasing self-confidence, independence, and a sense of agency, and responsibility.
With normal development, mouthiness will occasionally occur as a result of this instinct to resist. But for parents who find themselves in daily power struggles where mouthiness or aggressive behaviors are present, it is important to figure out the cause of such high resistance.
If we look at what triggers resistance in teens, there are a few causes for parents to consider.
Your teen wants to do things for themselves
When a child feels emotionally fulfilled and safe in the parent-child relationship, it triggers the instinct to want to take initiative and do things for themselves. They no longer want to be treated like a baby and are ready to take initiative on things that they care about. If the parent happens to interfere, they may get hit with a ‘mouthy moment’ from their teen. This is a positive form of counterwill and a sign that the parent can back off. The mouthy reaction will diminish as their child matures. Parents who do not back off, and overtly interfere by remaining too helicopter-like, will suffocate the positive character traits that are meant to emerge and be met with increasing resistance. As a result, they may find themselves in frequent conflict with their child who is begging to exercise their growing independence and learn from mistakes through the practice of ‘doing.’
Too much pressure, not enough will.
When the pressure being placed on a teenager is greater than the will to do it themselves, the instinct to resist will emerge, and often mouthiness in the process. For so long as the pressure from outside forces exceeds the teenagers’ willingness, the positive character traits of independence and responsibility-taking will remain stifled.
This form of resistance is very common and often at the root of academic issues, and even a teenager’s messy room. Parents who persist with the command/demand approach are likely to see their teenager dig their heels in further and become increasingly stubborn. Simply put, if you want a teenager to do something, you have to find a way of increasing their will while using minimal pressure. Parents should incentivize their teens by tying their growing desire for independence to their ability to maintain their priorities as this demonstrates that they are mature enough to handle such independence. Instead of lecturing, parents should help their teen reach their own conclusions as to the benefits of a particular task and help them use their problem-solving abilities to overcome any obstacles.
Your pressure exceeds your bond at that moment
Timing is important. Be prepared for a mouthy moment if you demand your teenager to do something while not actively bonded to them in the situation. You would never ask a friend for a favor without an initial smile and small talk to establish a connection. This etiquette is a natural thing people do to avoid resistance and conflict, and is often forgotten when parents become too entrenched in ‘parent mode.’ Parents who justifiably hold firm to the ‘I’m the parent’ rationale will find themselves in more frequent power struggles. If your teenager is not feeling actively connected to you when you make your request, they will experience the request as pressure and coercion. To reduce the mouthiness that stems from this situation, parents should avoid making demands of their teenager until they have established an active connection at the moment and have checked that the timing is right. For example, telling them to get up and move faster in the morning, before slowing down to ask them how they slept and have a few minutes of small talk. Household structures and routines are a good way to work around this kind of resistance. The more your teen has an established routine and way of doing things, the less you will need to tell them what to do.
The parent-child roles are reversed
The parent-child relationship is unique. It is not one of equals. Parents are meant to be in charge and the child is meant to defer and depend. Nowadays more and more teens are pushing against this and trying to be the boss. This is also why your teenager may be being so mouthy. Parents can have a good relationship with their children but if it is not the right kind of relationship, parenting becomes very difficult and mouthy power-struggles become a frequent occurrence.
Your teen has other relationships that compete with you
Major shifts in Western culture have made it increasingly common for parents to find themselves in competition with everything from friends to technology. When your teen’s relationship with another source interferes with your ability to parent and leads to excessive pushback or rebellion, you are in competition. Sometimes, this occurs when parents position themselves as an adversary or make it known to the child that they do not approve of someone or something that is important to the child. This creates a hostile dynamic that provokes a negative form of resistance and mouthiness. Parents should remain on the lookout for ‘competition’ and use routines and structures to reduce moments of resistance. Parents should also try to make the competition an alley when possible. This will help defuse resistance and mouthiness that could cause a deep rift between the parent and child, making the teenager harder and harder to parent.
Teenagers are typically going through a whirlwind of hormonal and emotional changes. This inevitably leads them to be more vocal to their parents. Instead of pushing them further away by arguing, try to strengthen your connection with them. Let them be in the dependent role.
To learn more about effective parenting methods, visit our webpage on parent coaching. We can help you understand the reasons why your child may be acting the way they are and learn how you can help them overcome their struggles. However, we also offer counseling for teenagers in which we help teens learn new ways of handling challenging thoughts, emotions, and situations so they have less impact and influence.
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