Parental splitting is becoming an increasingly common occurrence within families that have internal conflict. Parental splitting alludes to the ‘splitting’ or detachment of a child from one parent. In matters of divorce, this parent is usually the one that the child does not reside with, which is typically the father. If parental splitting gets to a point where the child does not have a relationship at all with the parent, it can pose a serious threat to the child’s mental health and development.
How does parental splitting occur?
If two parents have a discourteous relationship, the child can struggle to love and have a relationship with both. This is a difficult situation because the parents are not communicating properly and there is tension and conflict. While young, the child will try to deal with this by subconsciously molding their personality to fit with whichever parent they are with at the time. This method allows the child to maintain a loving relationship with both parents. However, it often only works up until adolescence. During adolescence, children go through developmental changes that disrupt their ability to keep molding their personality to each parent.
As cognitive development unfolds the child begins to see their parents impartially. If the parents are consistently in conflict and throw accusations about one another around the child, it becomes confusing and difficult for the child to view both parents positively and maintain relationships with each. Additionally, adolescent children want to form their own personal identities. This is not feasible if they have to keep molding themselves to each parent.
How do children react to developmental changes and why is it dangerous?
A common reaction to the developmental changes of adolescence is for the child to begin to split off from one parent and favor the other. The child will start to resist the parent and emphasize their relationship with the other parent. As a result, conflict erupts between both parents as they accuse each other of what is the cause of this splitting off. The expelled parent may believe the other is purposely trying to destroy their relationship and the accepted parent may accuse the other of poor parenting. The amplification of conflict between the parents will cause the child to split off and alienate even further. This will make the situation even more stressful. The final result may be that the child completely cuts themselves off from one parent, and no longer wants to maintain a relationship.
The causes of parental splitting
- The influence and attitude of the preferred parent
- The mistakes, responses, and misconduct of the split-off parent
- The defensive nature of the child’s mind
Most of the time, it is the child’s own defense mechanism that causes the alienation of one parent. Children who split from one parent may seem to find peace at first as their stress levels reduce, but losing a parental figure can seriously threaten their future development.
The effect on your child’s development
A risk that occurs is that the child’s disillusionment with the split-off parent can become extremely exaggerated. While they avoid disillusionment of the preferred parent. This can lead to the child having very black-and-white attitudes toward life. It can also lead to a reversal of who the split parent is, as arguments occur with the favored parent during the teenage years.
Furthermore, over the years, the child will build up the feeling of being betrayed by the split-off parent. This can affect the child’s emotional health, lead to trust issues, and impede the child’s ability to form healthy attachments with others.
How to reduce the risk of parental splitting
The main thing that needs to be resolved is the conflict between the parents. Parents must realize that parental splitting is detrimental to their child’s mental health and development. Parents must learn ways of handling their differences, maintain mutual respect, and share positive attitudes toward each other to avoid parental splitting. During adolescence, parents must help temper any black-and-white judgments about a parent by helping their child hold onto the good and accept that all people have flaws and limitations. Counseling sessions and family therapy can assist parents in becoming civil with each other. This will allow the child to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with both parents.
If you are interested in learning effective parenting methods, visit our webpage on parent coaching. We also offer a parenting course Raising kids to their full potential which can help you understand why your child acts the way they do, and what you can do to help.
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