As parents, it can be very difficult to get kids to listen without threatening them (such as threatening to ground them). Let’s face it: kids can be difficult. They’re often not receptive to your directions.
But there are ways to get them to listen without threatening them.
In this context, threatening does not necessarily mean being hostile or frightening. Approaches that are ‘consequence based’ can also be deemed as threatening. Some examples include grounding, taking possessions they care about away, or threatening physical harm and silent treatment. These approaches can lead to increased arguing and damaged relationships over time. Additionally, by threatening consequences, parents are minimizing their own authority. Because, instead of relying on natural parenting power, they are trying to dominate the child.
It’s important to consider how you would feel if your spouse or friend took the consequence based approach with you. Think about how it would affect your relationship with them over time. Also, threatening does not help the child learn and over time, it will contribute to a decrease in personal motivation.
Stop raising your voice and become a good listener
● Raising your voice or yelling at your child is an easy way to try and get their attention. But it’s also a way to make them feel as though they’ve done something wrong, or that they need to be punished.
● Parents should focus on becoming good listeners to their kids, who may want to tell them something important but can’t find the right words or know who’s in charge of speaking first.
Reasons your child may not want to listen
Sometimes, a parent should stop and consider possible reasons WHY their child does not want to listen. Also, WHY it’s so hard to get their kid to listen without threatening. There can be an underlying reason as to why your child is acting the way they are. Sometimes, it’s not always due to them trying to get under your skin.
Some examples include:
- Counterwill; the more parents insist the more children resist. Counterwill is a human instinct we all have. Parents should always make sure to have a good working connection with their child before directing them on what to do.
- There are not enough parent-child interactions where the child is not being directed by the parent. There needs to be enough warmth, closeness, connection and quality time in the relationship for the child to naturally be more willing to listen to the parent. People take direction from those they have a strong relationship to.
- The child is generally very impulsive and at the mercy of their emotions. They have not fully developed the capacity to self-regulate and do activities they do not feel like doing at that moment. In this case, parents should try to create conditions in which the child will genuinely want to do the activity expected of them.
- The child is showing signs of a possible mental health condition that affects all areas of life. This includes their motivation and needs additional help.
Identify what your child is feeling and avoid lectures
Identify for yourself what your child was thinking/feeling that drove them to misbehave. Then, address that issue with them calmly—either before or after they’ve already reacted poorly. You should try to understand why this behavior made sense in your child’s eyes, even though it may not be right. Try to acknowledge this when talking to your child to distinguish between the emotional impulse and the inappropriate behavior itself.
Additionally, Parents should avoid lectures and approach conversations about behavior consciously, not in the heat of the moment. Timing is important. Connect with the child first and when you feel you have a strong bond, proceed with initiating conversation about what happened, starting with acknowledgement of the situation from the child’s point of view.
Encourage the child to share their intention or how they think they could have handled things differently
position yourself as a coach, there to support them as they move forward from here. Keep in mind that just because a child intends to behave a particular way in future, does not mean they will have the self-regulation capabilities to follow through. Parents will need to go back to the child’s expressed intention and highlight this as a positive attribute if/when the behavior repeats itself. Then, continue to help the child work towards self-regulation by continuing to position themselves like a coach. Through acting like a coach, it becomes easier to get kids to listen without threatening them.
Use fewer words
One of the best ways to get your child to listen is to use fewer words. Shorter, simpler sentences are easier for children to process and understand. Speak slowly, clearly, with a calm tone of voice that shows you’re not angry or upset about what’s happened. Your body language should also be calm, so your child knows you’re not about to lose it.
The way you look at your kid can convey whether or not they’re in trouble as well. Make sure you maintain eye contact throughout your talk instead of looking away while they’re talking. This makes them more likely not take what you say seriously.
Share with the child how you prefer they handle things
In situations where you don’t agree with how your child is behaving, you can request how they should handle it. Some things you could say are ‘In this situation, this is what we do…’ or give them an alternative behavior you are more comfortable with. For example, a child who kicks others, you can say ‘you can kick the air, water, a pillow…to get all that energy out.’
In addition, instead of telling your child what NOT to do, direct them to what they can do or what is appropriate in that situation. Guide your child by explaining what may be wrong with their actions and what is a more appropriate reaction to have.
Examples of alternative phrases you can use to get your kid to listen without threatening
For example, with a little kid who is hitting his sister, instead of saying “don’t hit your sister”, separate them and explain calmly, but firmly that “hitting hurts people, if you are mad, hit a pillow instead”. If your young child is screaming, replace “stop screaming” with “You’re excited. Let’s use our loudest whisper scream”. You can mimic screaming in a silly whisper voice, so that it makes them laugh and want to do it with you.
When it comes to older children/teens, the approach needs to be different. For a teen who keeps playing their game, replace “get off your game” with “Its homework time. I know you’re having fun. You can play for 30 minutes after.”
Also, in situations where your teen may be showing attitude and is argumentative, it can be beneficial to try and understand what is not working for them. For example, instead of “drop the attitude!” you can say “You’re obviously upset so I’m going to give you a pass. Lets try this again – what’s not working for you right now?” . This can encourage healthy discussions in which you both vent your frustrations and try to come to a resolution.
Structures, limits and boundaries
Take the approach that your child is learning to behave properly as they mature and grow. Limits, boundaries, structures, and routines are all there to protect and support them along the way.
They are helpful because when things become routine, it takes pressure off the parent having to continually direct the child. Kids also thrive much better when they have these. For example, having a set family dinner time where everyone gets together to eat and engage in conversation. Your child knows when they are expected to be down for dinner and you don’t have to yell for them. Other examples include having a set time for your child to do their homework (such as straight after school). This is so that you don’t have to keep chasing them asking whether they’ve done their homework or not. It also puts your child in a healthy routine where they don’t just leave it to the last minute.
If you are interested in working with a therapist to learn healthy ways to establish parental control in difficult situations with your child, visit our webpage on parent coaching. Alternatively, we also offer our parenting course Raising Kids To Their Full Potential which will help you form a stronger connection with your child, so you can parent with maximum authority. This will allow you to delve deeper into how you can get your kid to listen without threatening them.
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