School is an important part of your child’s life, and it creates opportunities for them to learn new things and make friends. But some kids can be reluctant to go to school or don’t want to do their schoolwork once they’re there. When children will not go to school it is a sign that the environment is too alarming or frustrating for them to cope with.
Reasons your child may not want to go to school
- Poor relationships with teachers
- Conflicts with peers
- Bullying
- A hatred for their classes
- Feeling ostracized or lonely
- Anxiety about how they measure up compared to others
- Stimulation of the school environment
- Size of the classes
- Difficulty concentrating
- Poor sleep
- Lack of purpose in school
- Separation from something or someone outside of school
- A mental health condition
Common missteps that parents make
Some parents make the mistake of attacking the child’s perceived defiance and then using consequences/punishment-based discipline to try and motivate the child to change. For example, grounding them for trying to skip school. This is often not effective as it increases the child’s alarm and frustration and reduces the amount of support and understanding that the child receives.
On the other hand, giving in to your child’s wants and allowing them to skip school is also a mistake. This will also increase the child’s alarm and frustration as they fall further behind and reduces the child’s confidence in their own abilities to overcome challenges.
Consider the cause of the alarm and frustration
The goal is to consider the causes of alarm and frustration and find creative ways of reducing it. A parent should try to increase the amount of support that the child receives so that it is easier to cope with the situation. Assuming the parent knows the real source of the problem, some changes should be made. Parents should work with the school to find creative ways of making the day more tolerable/enjoyable.
Some examples include:
- Forging emotional connections between their child and at least one adult they can turn to during the day.
- Finding creative escapes for the child to provide relief. E.g. Off-campus lunches with a parent, coordinating a school responsibility such as helping other students or a teacher they like during lunch time or study hall so that they feel needed.
- The school “choosing” the child for a particular activity that provides a sense of purpose on a regular basis.
- Children who qualify can benefit from an IEP or 504 plan that offers formal accommodations like extra time on tests, the ability to leave the classroom when overwhelmed, etc.
Maintaining structures and routines
When external factors like lack of sleep or homework issues are impacting the child’s desire to go to school, parents should implement structures, boundaries and routines that are implemented from a place of firm love/support rather than threats and punishment. Depending on the child’s level of maturity, parents can partner with them to create these so that there is more buy-in.
Children can benefit from your support and encouragement as they strive to do well in school. If you want extra support to learn effective parenting methods, visit our webpage on parent coaching. Alternatively, visit our page for our online parenting course Raising your kids to their full potential.
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